Boundaries can be one of the most challenging—and most important—parts of maintaining healthy relationships. Many of us were never taught what a boundary looks like, and if you have a history of people-pleasing, it can feel uncomfortable or even “wrong” to consider putting your own needs first. Yet boundaries are not walls meant to keep others out. They are healthy guidelines that allow us to stay grounded, safe, and connected without losing ourselves.
At our counseling practices in Wise, Abingdon, and Pennington Gap, Virginia, we often meet individuals who struggle with boundaries because they’ve learned to prioritize others’ comfort over their own well-being. Setting limits can bring up confusing emotions—fear, guilt, sadness, or even anger—but it’s also one of the most powerful ways to protect your mental health.
When Might You Need to Set Boundaries?
Boundaries often become necessary when something in a relationship starts to feel “off.” Maybe you notice that you leave interactions feeling drained or resentful. Perhaps you find yourself saying “yes” when you really mean “no,” simply to avoid disappointing someone. Or you may notice patterns of overcommitment, where you have little time or energy left for yourself.
These moments are signals that a boundary could help restore balance. Boundaries can be especially important around time, emotional availability, and respect. For example, saying no to extra responsibilities at work when your plate is already full, or letting a friend know that constant late-night texts are disrupting your rest. While each situation is unique, the common thread is this: boundaries help protect your energy and values.
How to Know if Your Boundary Is Appropriate
It’s natural to wonder if you’re being “too harsh” or “selfish” when setting a boundary, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. One helpful way to check yourself is to ask: Is this boundary about taking care of my well-being, or is it about controlling the other person?
Healthy boundaries focus on your own needs. For example, “I won’t be answering work calls after 7 p.m.” is about caring for your rest, while “You’re not allowed to call me after 7” puts the focus on controlling someone else. The difference may seem small, but it matters. Approaching boundaries from a place of self-care makes them more respectful, both to you and to the other person.
Communicating Your Boundaries Safely
Sharing a boundary can be nerve-wracking. It’s not uncommon to fear rejection or conflict, especially if past experiences have taught you that asserting yourself leads to negative outcomes. When you feel safe to do so, try to:
• Speak clearly and calmly about your needs.
• Use “I” statements, such as, “I need more notice for plans,” instead of, “You always spring things on me.”
• Keep it simple—boundaries don’t need long explanations to be valid.
Still, not everyone will respond positively. Some people may resist, ignore, or even mock your boundary. This can be painful, but it’s also revealing. How someone responds to your expressed needs says a lot about the health of the relationship. If their reaction feels unsafe or consistently dismissive, it may be worth considering more distance or seeking support in managing that dynamic.
Moving Forward Based on the Response
• When boundaries are respected: Relationships often deepen, because both people feel heard and safe.
• When boundaries are challenged but eventually honored: Growth is possible. Sometimes it takes time for others to adjust.
• When boundaries are consistently rejected: This may be a sign that the relationship is unhealthy, and you may need to make hard decisions about how much access this person has to your time and energy.
Whatever the outcome, it’s important to remember that your boundary is valid simply because you need it.
Coping with the Outcome
Even when boundaries lead to healthier relationships, the process can stir up difficult emotions. You may feel guilt for saying “no,” grief for what the relationship used to be, or fear of conflict. These feelings are normal—and they don’t mean you made the wrong choice.
The first and most important step in coping is self-care. This might look like journaling to process your feelings, practicing mindfulness to stay grounded, engaging in creative outlets, or surrounding yourself with people who support your growth. Prioritizing rest, nutrition, and exercise can also help you manage the stress that comes with boundary-setting.
If self-care alone isn’t enough, additional support can be helpful. Counseling provides a safe place to untangle your emotions, learn communication skills, and find validation for your experiences. For those struggling with conditions like anxiety or depression, pairing counseling with medication management can provide even more stability and support. At our locations in Wise, Abingdon, and Pennington Gap, Virginia, we are here to walk with you through these challenges with compassion and understanding.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially if you’ve spent years putting others first. But boundaries are an act of courage and self-respect. They create space for healthier, more balanced relationships and allow you to show up authentically in your own life.
If you’re wondering whether counseling could be helpful for you in this process, we invite you to take our
short quiz. It’s a simple first step toward gaining clarity about your needs and exploring whether additional support could help you move forward with confidence.
